Building a \"Modern Day Village\"

Between my lack of support system and my stubborn attitude, my days and nights with a screaming newborn put me in a dark hole of anxiety causing me to refuse help from anyone that ended up offering once I eventually shared how much I was struggling. Suddenly I was alone 6 days a week, 16 hours a day with a very unhappy newborn and all I could think was…

“If it takes a Village to raise a child, where the hell is mine”?

Western society with its lacking sense of community puts so much pressure on successful independent parenting leaving you to feel like you’re failing if you ask for help. We are surrounded by outside thoughts and opinions of strangers causing us to doubt ourselves, and a world of social media where we can easily and endlessly compare our lives to the highlight reels of others. We feel lonely, disconnected, worried, and stressed. We put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect and to raise perfect children that we don’t allow anyone in for the possibility to build a Village, even if we wanted to.

Let me tell you something.

You are perfectly imperfect and so am I.

So are all the other moms you see out there doing this damn thing. We have the same doubts, same questions, same struggles. It took me surviving a child who screamed at me for five months from reflux to understand that I needed to build myself a Modern Day Village. I had to accept that it wasn’t going to look anything like the description above that Beth Berry explains in her excerpt and come to terms with the fact, it’s not going to be as easy as having my mom across the street or my brother down the road.

So, I’ve started building my own Village and I will continue to do so. I created my business called “Little Village Sleep” to continue growing my Village and use social media as a way to connect with people instead of comparing myself to them. My goal is to have a network of people that can support me and my Village in all things “parenthood” so that we don’t have to suffer alone. My role in the Village will be guiding families towards healthy sleep, and healthy parent child relationships.

My Village

When I sat down to think about it, my ideal Village would be filled with people that would share the workload of cooking, cleaning, and entertaining my child. I would have time to myself and time with my friends. I would rest more, stress less and enjoy my role as a mom. Here is how my Village looks so far, and I hope if you’re reading this you find the courage to build your own and reach out to be a part of mine.

Cooking

I visit the local Farmers Market once a week and pick up precooked meals from all the mom and pop shops or splurge on take out from one of our locally owned restaurants. I know my son and I are still getting wholesome nutritious meals, but it also means less time cooking and cleaning. That way, I get more time to spend building a relationship with my child which mutually benefits sleep. Message me, we can talk about it!

Cleaning

I’ve hired a cleaner! I’m not fancy and I don’t have a big life budget (we own a restaurant in times of Covid and I’m a stay at home mom) I just made it part of the budget. It’s amazing how you can set aside money for something if it means less stress.

Happy Mommy = Happy Baby.

Entertaining my Child

I found my “people”, one of the many beautiful parts of the internet, is connecting with complete strangers. I joined a few mommy groups and found a few like-minded mamas that have the same core values I do. We get together once a week for a socially distanced hang out and to let our children play. This gives us a chance to have adult conversations that don’t consist of one word sentences like “ball” “shoe” “block” and “peepee”.

Time to myself

I have reconnected with friends and family and started accepting outside help. Having someone look after your child is scary. Throw a little bit of postpartum anxiety and a pandemic in the mix and its straight up hard. I had to let go of “perfection” and give myself permission to let other people help raise my son.

After all, these are people I adore; why are they part of my life if I don’t trust them to take my child for an hour? I still don’t do this nearly as much as I should and I’m still working on it, but it gets easier the older they get. This can also be scary during a pandemic with no end in sight. I recommend creating a cohort that you trust and make a point to reach out when you need them.

Community

I’ve joined a community online filled with women who think and feel the same way I do about parenting and motherhood. It’s been uplifting and amazing to connect with women all around the world and confide in each other.

The biggest lesson I’ve learnt through all of this is be mindful of who you ask for advice. If they are not on the same page as you, or don’t believe in the same things you do, you start doubting and losing yourself.

It’s ok to be friends with people who don’t view the world the way you do, just don’t ask them for advice on how to parent your children. Maybe talk about shoes or the latest episode of Greys Anatomy. You’re given all of these people as a gift to help you navigate life. It doesn’t mean you have to have the same relationship with all of them.

When I originally wrote this our province wasn’t shut down once again to try and slow down the number of Covid cases. If you are in a part of the world that is on lockdown again. Your virtual connections are more important than anything, it also means being gentle with yourself and forgiving yourself for finding this extremely hard. For the rest of you, I hope you find this helpful and start looking for ways to grow your attachment Village.

I also want to tell you, you're still a good mom if you put your kid(s) to bed early or let them hang out on their own a little longer to breathe. You also don't have to entertain your children 24/7. Being bored is OK! Lastly, get outside! Even if it's cold out or raining, dress up and get outside; it's amazing what fresh air can do for all of you when it's time to rest your heads at night to sleep.

Stay safe and reach out if you need to connect!